When something challenging, or even terrible, happens in our lives, it can be hard to trust that we’ll feel safe again. A health issue or a traumatic surgery can alter a person’s life. A “call gone wrong” for paramedics can cause internal trauma that’s stored within.
Honestly, it’s difficult to defend that this suffering can be in any way positive, as it has the potential to destroy our lives. At the same time, we need challenges in order to grow, to let go of who we thought we were, and to go deeper. I think it’s a balance.
Though painful, it’s vital for us to surrender old rituals, find the tenacity to adopt new ones, shed old skin, and metamorphosize.
So often, we’re existing under forces more superficially powerful than us, and we must rely on our deeper values, internal strength, and resilience to pull us through.
Click here to read the full article: Conflict and Integration: A Ventilator Story by Steve Vernak on JEMS, Journal of Emergency Medical Services.
"Although I practice care and attentiveness, most of the time, I find myself contending with the dysfunction of humanity, making the best of a difficult situation. 'It’s a hard place to be. We’re always in the middle of intense human suffering,' Dave, a paramedic, once said to me after we’d taken three dead bodies to the morgue one night. Often, when I interact with humanity, I feel tension, and an intuitive sense that we are fundamentally lost and disconnected."
"I see vulnerability in the hungry, defeated, sick, and marginalized, but also in the greedy, narcissistic, abusive, and misguided, those in positions of power, and those who have none. I see trauma, both obvious and subtle. I’ll wrestle with it for a while. I’ll remain centered, creative in the pursuit of kindness. Maybe I can do some good."
Click here to read the full article: One Night in the Life of a Paramedic at a Level I Trauma Emergency Department by Steve Vernak on JEMS, Journal of Emergency Medical Services.
"Split a tab and walk the beach. Never know the friends you keep, until your best friend leaves the party early to speak so candidly. Never meant to last, that's why it's beautiful. Your friends will smoke you out, but will they see you in the hospital? Chemically relaxed, I had a friend like that. We're sharing books again, the martial arts, the metamorphosis. It doesn't hurt all the time. Yeah, I'm doing fine. When the tears well up my eyes, I know I'll keep you in mind."
Electric Kids. An original song, written and performed by Steve Vernak. Mastered by John Burke. Music video by Akron Recording Company.
"The clouds, they head east, while revealing the sky. Is it magic, or fate, or a broken-tongued lie? I passed you the bottle, and you gave me Hell. You're wishing the weather to strand me, but I wish you well. Breathless, you fell, like the snow through the pines. Let it down, baby, yeah, let it down, and let it die. Someone said 'you're cursed to this town,' but you can't keep this boy down."
Irish Coffee. An original song, written and performed by Steve Vernak. Lyrics by Bob Jakovic and Steve Vernak. Mastered by John Burke. Music video by Akron Recording Company.
"The brightest rainbows were here. The fields were green, the trees were tall, the streams were clear. It all was ordinary, now it's a faded dream. The brightest rainbows were here. Let her sing, let her fall. It all was ordinary, now it's a faded dream."
"Hey, give a cold shoulder and a bundle of lies, when I would swim like a minnow in your cinnamon eyes. Floating in the universe, under a spell, ading in the lava in the layers of Hell. You want that? I got that, yes, in fact. You feel sad, you feel bad? We could run away down to Charlemont, with the birds and the trees and the feeling you want. Yeah, it's all good baby, take it away, if you can think of any good reason to stay. We're floating in the universe, going along, with the rainbows running on a planetary song. Yeah, we'll just fly, and feel high, we won't mind about life for a while. Feel the sun with the golden smile. See the moonlight shine for miles."
Click here to listen to: Charlemont, an original song written, performed, and recorded by Steve Vernak. Mastered by John Burke.
"It's the crescent, effervescent moon dripping down, down. It's the quiet in the lion's den, purring no sound. No turnstile spinning. Not sewing, not so. It's the gloom in the gutter of the needle pine glow. It's the waiting, the watching. The waterfalls under the pulse and breath."
"It's the waiting, the watching, the waterfalls under the pulse and breath. No fading, no fussing. We'll not fret, and complicate a perfect death. I was born to the trees, eyes adorned to nature's pure pristine. Now I'm talking, hurting senselessly. The body's earned all of its threads and seams. Fraying up, winding down, the colors fading out."
Click here to listen to: Alice in Breath Command, an original song written, performed, and recorded by Steve Vernak.
The thinking mind: cyclical thoughts, desires, cravings, yearnings. Attempting to heal a spiritual wound and close a dynamic void with the external world; one not capable of internal fulfillment. Pure awareness: initiating a warm dissolving of the ego; not destruction. A harmonious relationship between the essential self and egoic mind.
“When you can’t catch your breath, you retain carbon dioxide. This isn’t you overreacting. You’re reacting appropriately to an inner disturbance."
"Explaining what is happening to the patient and allowing them to play a role in their own healing is important. We all want to feel in control of our bodies, minds, thoughts and emotions. While ventilators and BiPAP machines are physical tools, empathy and effective communication are intuitive and emotional tools, all of which help sustain our lifeforce – the breath."
Click here to read the full article: Our Life Force, the Breath! A BiPAP story by Steve Vernak on EMS Airway.
“Limina doloris (threshold of pain).” Life energy. Emotion and thought. Allowing the resolve to channel this vibrancy… and yet, the storm arises. No longer the days of repressing what calls to be felt and acknowledged… and yet, the storm arises. Despite temporary possession, the return to awareness is a warm collateral for the spirit, and the spirit remains. May the depths continue to flourish into external reality. Let every word “I” speak be the truth - or at least, from the place of truth. Let this awareness spread from my soul through the breath, through the blood vessels; to my lungs, to my heart, to my brain. And when the storm arises, allow my nerves and hormones to communicate soul to body to mind in harmony.
Click here to listen to: The Healer's Heal, an original song written, performed, and recorded by Steve Vernak. Mastered by John Burke.
Vinyl Wings is said to have come from a different timeline where jazz was rock music. Thick piano chords, syncopated drums, odd times, soaring guitar solos, poetic lyrics and melodic bass lines create an atmosphere of music that is dripping in personality.
Photo by Deaf Sound Production.
"We can find another way, beyond addiction, beyond what we were conditioned to feel."